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        [Ash in chains in late Medieval England]
Ash:    (Voice Over) My name is Ash and I am a slave.  Close as I can figure 
        it the year is 1300 AD and I'm being dragged to my death.  It wasn't 
        always like this... I had a real life, once.  A job.  
        [Ash at work in present day S-Mart]
        (PA:    Ash to price check four.)
        (Ash:   Umm, hardware isle 12.  Shop Smart.  Shop S-Mart.)
        I had a wonderful girlfriend, Linda.
        [Flashback: Ash and Linda at the cabin]
        Together we drove to a small cabin in the mountains.  It seems 
        an archaeologist had come to this remote place to translate and
        study his latest find: Necronomicon ex Mortis, the Book of the Dead.  
        Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, this ancient Sumarrian text 
        contained bizarre burial rites, funerary incantations and demon 
        resurrection passages.  It was never meant for the world of the
        living.  The book awoke something dark in the woods.  It took Linda,
        and then it came, for me.  It got into my hand and it went bad, so I 
        lopped it off at the wrist.  But that didn't stop it.  It came back.  
        Big time.
        {Ash is getting sucked in by the vortex}
Ash:    For God's sake!  How do you stop it?!
        [Daytime.  Ash in late Medieval England in an open field]
Ash:    Where in the hell?  Now... easy now chief.  I don't know how 
        I got here and uhhh and I'm not lookin' for any trouble.
Sldier: {hacking Ash's Delta 88}  What a piece of armour this is.
Arthur: Wiseman!
Wisman: My Lord, I believe he is the one written of in the Necronomicon.
        He who is prophesied to fall from the Heavens and deliver us from 
        the terrors of the Deadites.
Arthur: What?  That buffoon?  Likely he's one of Henry's men.  I say to the 
        pit with him!  
Men:    To the pit!  To the pit!
Arthur: To the pit!
Ash:    You miserable bastard!

        [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle]
Sheila: M'Lord Arthur, where is my brother?  Did he not ride with you?
Arthur: Aye, and fought valiantly.  But last night he fell in battle 
        to Duke Henry's men.  I'm sorry Sheila.  
Sheila: {angry at Ash}  Foul thing!  My brother's death shall be avenged!
Sldier: Company halt!
Henry:  You sir, are not one of my vassals.  Who are you?
Ash:    Who wants to know?
Henry:  I am Henry the Red, Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader 
        of its peoples.
Ash:    Well hello Mr.Fancy-pants.  I got news for you pal, you ain't  
        leadin' but two things right now.  Jack and shit... and Jack left 
Arthur: There is an evil awakened in this land... and while my people fight
        for their very souls against it, you Henry the Red wage war on us.
Henry:  It was you who first turned your swords on us!  And this evil has
        befouled my people as well.
Henry:  Your people are no better than the foul corruption that lies in the 
        bowels of that pit.  
Sldier: Right, you're no better.
Arthur: May God have mercy upon your souls.
        {The pit doors open}
Man:    In God's name!  What Hellspawn lurks there?
Ollady: Into the pit with those bloodthirsty sons of whores!
        {One of Henry's men is thrown into the pit}
        {Long pause.  Silence.  Then screaming.  A geyser of blood erupts
        from the pit}
Man:    Heavenly God!
TwrGrd: He's escaping!
        {one of Henry's men tries to run away but Arthur kills him by
        shooting him with a crossbow}
Ash:    Whoa!  Whoa!  Wait a minute.  Hold it.  W-wait a minute.  Y-you gotta 
        understand, man.  I-I never even saw these assholes before.
        Henry you gotta tell 'em you don't know me.  We never met.  Tell him.
Henry:  I dunna think he'll listen lad.
Ash:    Look, I'm telling you.  You got the wrong guy.  {Sheila chucks a rock
        at Ash's head} I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy.  {Ash is
        pushed into the pit}  
        {Ash fights Deadite #1 as the crowd cheers}
Ash:    Why you.
Art:    Spikes.
GldTth: Hey!  He say spikes, give him spikes.
        {Ash continues to fight Deadite #1}
Wisman: Make way.  Strange one!  Strange one!  {The Wiseman throws the
        chainsaw to Ash who catches it with his right hand and kills the 
Henry:  Yeas!
Sheila: Damn you. Damn you.
        {Ash fights Deadite #2 and escapes the pit}
Ash:    {to Arthur} You know your shoelace is untied.  {Ash punches Arthur}  
        Alright.  Who wants some?  
        Who's next?  Huh?  How 'bout it?  Who wants some?  Huh?  
        Who wants to have a little?  You.  {to Gold Tooth}  You want some 
        more?  Huuuh?  You want a little?  Do ya?  Huh?  You want some more?  
        Huh?  Huh?  Hh!  {to Henry}  Now get on those horses and get out 
        of here.  Let 'em go.
Henry:  {pats Ash on the shoulder} Ahahhahahahahaha.
Arthur: Halt!
Henry:  Thank you generous hosts!
Arthur: Sword boy!  {draws sword}  For that arrogance I shall see you dead.
        (BOOM)  {Arthur's sword is broken by a shotgun blast}
Ash:    Yeah.  Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up.  See this?
        This is my boomstick!  It's a twelve gauge double barreled 
        Remington, S-Mart's top-of-the-line.  You can find this in the 
        sporting goods department.  That's right this sweet baby was made in 
        Grand Rapids Michigan.  Retails for about $109.95.  It's got a walnut
        stock, cobalt blue steel and a hair trigger.  That's right.  Shop 
        Smart.  Shop S-mart.  Ya got that?!  Now I swear, the next one of you 
        primates, even touches me... Ya!  (BOOM)  (BOOM)  
        {Ash shoots Deadite #2 who has risen out of the pit}
        Now, let's talk about how I get back home.
        [Inside the court of Arthur's castle]
        {Ash is eating and drinking}
Ash:    (slurp) (burp) (burp)
Sheila: I pray thee forgive me, Lord.  I believed thee one of Henry's men.
Ash:    First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me.  {spits out
        a pit}  Blow.
        {The Wiseman enters the court}
        So what's the deal?  Can you send me back or not?
Wisman: Only the Necronomicon has the power.  An unholy book which we also 
        require.  Within its pages are passages that can send you back to 
        your time.  Only you, the Promised One, can quest for it.
Ash:    I don't want your book.  I don't want your bullshit.  Just send me
        back to my own time.  Pronto.  Today.  Chop-  {Ash stares at the
        spilled water rushing by his feet}
        {a woman turns around revealing her to be possessed}
PosWom: You shall die!  You shall never obtain the Necronomicon!  We shall 
        feast among your souls.  {the Possessed Woman collapses}
        {Arthur goes to investigate the inanimate woman but Ash stops him}
Ash:    It's a trick.  Get an axe.
        {the Possessed Woman awakens and starts fighting everyone}
Ash:    Yo she-bitch!  {loads shotgun}  Let's go.
        {Ash fights and defeats the Possessed Woman}
Wisman: If the Necronomicon fell into the hands of the Deadites, all mankind 
        will be consumed by this evil.  Now will art quest for the book?
        [Inside the Blacksmith's Workshop at Arthur's castle]
Ash:    That one.  {Montage showing Ash building a mechanical hand}  Groovy.
        {Nightime.  Sheila enters}
Ash:    What's the matter?  Were you raised in a barn?  Shut the door.
        Probably was raised in a barn with all the other primitives.
Sheila: The Wisemen say that thou art the Promised One.  'Tis said that thou 
        wilt journey for the book to help us.  And that thou will lead our 
        people against the Evil.
Ash:    The only reason that I'm going to get the book is to get home.
        {Sheila picks up a piece of metal that was on Ash's table}
Sheila: I believe that thou art be leaving in the morning-
Ash:    Don't touch that please.  Your primitive intellect wouldn't 
        understand alloys and compositions and... things with molecular 
        structures and the-  What are you doing here anyway?
Sheila: I wanted to say that all of my... all of my hopes and prayers go 
        with you.  And I made this for thee.
Ash:    Good, I could use a horse blanket.
        {Sheila slaps Ash and walks away}
        {Ash goes after Sheila and holds her}
        Gimme some sugar baby.
        [Daytime - On the outskirts of the forest]
        {Ash, The Wiseman and Arthur are on horseback}
Ash:    What?  What is it?
Wisman: This path will lead you to an unholy place.  A cemetery.  There
        the Necronomicon awaits.  When thou retrievest the book from its 
        cradle you must recite the words: Clatto Verata Nicto.
Ash:    Clatto Verata Nicto.  Okay.
Wisman: Well repeat them.
Ash:    Clatto Verata Nicto.
Wisman: Again!
Ash:    I got it!  I got it!  I know your damn words alright?  Now you get 
        this straight, the both of you.  If I get that book you send me 
        back.  After that, I'm history.  Hyeah!
        {Ash rides into the forest}

        [In the forest]
Ash:    What is it boy?  Shyeah!  C'mon!
        {Ash is being chased by the Evil Force}
Ash:    C'mon you!
        {Ash is knocked off his horse and continues to run to a windmill}

        [Inside the windmill]
Ash:    {Ash is holding the door}  Waaahhhh.  Waaaahh.  Ahhhhh...
        {Night falls}
        {Ash breaks a mirror and 'Tiny Ashes' appear from the broken
        {Tiny Ashes hold up a fork}
TinAsh: Ramming speed!
        {Tiny Ashes ram Ash in the bum with the fork}
Ash:    Wahhhhhh.
TinAsh: {Tiny Ashes hold up the shotgun}  Ready!  Aim!  Fire!  Break a leg!
Ash:    Oh... oh... You lousy little...
TinAsh: Oh no!
        {Ash uses a spatula to get his face off the steaming grill}
Ash:    London bridges falling down, falling down, falling down... Hah.
        {Ash is about to step on a Tiny Ash when his foot is punctured by
        a nail}
TinAsh: My fair lady.  Ha!
Ash:    Whhhoooaaah!  {Ash slips and falls and is knocked out}    
        {Ash wakes up}
Ash:    What a horrible nightmare.  Hm-m.  Wait a minute.  Oh God.  I can't 
        move!  {Ash has been tied down}  Waaaahhhhhhhh.
        {A Tiny Ash dives into Ash's mouth as Ash frees himself}
TinAsh: Open wide!  Geronimo!  Hooray!  Hooray!
Ash:    Oh.. Ahhh.... ahhh...  Okay little fella?  How about some hot 
        chocolate?  Huh?
TinAsh: Wahhshah.
Ash:    How did you like the taste of that?  Ha?  How did you like the taste-
        {Ash sees an eye forming on his shoulder}

        [Outside the windmill]
Ash:    Wahhh.  Dear God it's growing bigger!  {there are two heads on Ash's
        body}  {to the moon, both heads}  Awooooo.
        {Ash pokes the other head in the eyes}
Otrhed: Ooo... I'm blind.  I'm blind.
Ash:    Where're you taking me?
        {Another Ash separates from Ash's body}
Ash:    What are you?  Are you me?
BadAsh: I'm Bad Ash.  And you're Good Ash.  You're goody little two shoes.
        You're goody little two shoes.  Goody little two shoes.  Little goody 
        two shoes.  Little goody two shoes.  Little goody two shoes.  Little 
        goody two shoes.  Little goody two shoes.  {Bad Ash continuously 
        hits Ash and is pissing him off}  Little goody two shoes.  Haha!
        {Ash gives Bad Ash a nod who has a shotgun in his face}
Ash:    Good... bad... I'm the guy with the gun.
        [Inside the windmill]
        {Montage of Ash cutting up Bad Ash's body with a chainsaw}

        [Outside the windmill]
        {Ash has finished digging a hole}
Ash:    That'll teach ya... Yeah, that'll teach ya.
EvlAsh: You shall never retrieve the Necronomicon.  You'll die in the 
        graveyard before you get it.
Ash:    Hey, what's that you got on your face?
EvlAsh: Huh?  {Ash shovels dirt on Evil Ash's face}  I'll come back for you.
        {Ash rides his horse to the cemetery after filling the hole and 
        marking the grave}
Ash:    Hyeah!  C'mon boy!

        [Ash at the cemetery]
        {Ash shivers as a chill goes down his spine and now stands before
        the cradle}
Ash:    Three books?  Wait a minute.  Hold it.  Nobody said anything about
        three books.  Like... like what am I supposed to do?  Take-Take one 
        book... or all books... or... or what?  Well.
        {Ash picks a book which sucks him in and deforms his face, Ash 
        shakes it off}
Ash:    Whoa.  Wrong book.
        {Ash ponders then picks another book which is a batbook and bites him}
Ash:    Oh.  Oh you... get back to you.  Well, seems fairly obvious.  {Ash
        reaches for the book}  Whoa.  Wait a minute.  The words.  Right, 
        right, right.  Say the words.  Clatto!  Verata!  Nn...  {pause}  
        Necktie, necturn, nickle... noodle.  It's an 'n' word.  It's 
        definitely an 'n' word.  {revelation!}  It was definatly an 'n' word!  
        {Ash ponders, idea!}  Clatto!  Verata!  Nn(coughcough).  {Ash pauses}  
        Okay then.  That's it.  {picks up the Necronomicon}
        {the earth begins to rumble}  Hey!  Wait a minute!  Everything's cool.  
        I said the words.  I did!

        [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle]
Arthur: You seek cover.  To the parapet.  Seek your children.  Steady the 
Wisman: Something's wrong.  Something's amiss.

        [Ash at the cemetery]
        {Ash is attacked by skeletons coming out of the ground}
Ash:    I'll crush ya!  I'll mash you to pieces you bony cr-
        [Ash mounted on his horse riding through the forest]
Ash:    Chyeah!  I'm through bein' their garbage boy.  I did my part.  Now I
        want back.  Like in the deal.  Chyeah!

        [Outside the windmill]
EvlAsh: I live... again.

        [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle]
GldTth: There!  The Promised One!  The Promised One's returned!
Crowd:  {cheering}  Welcome home!  Welcome home!  He's brought the 
Ash:    Alright... yeah...  Great, great.  Get the fuck out of my face.
Wisman: The Necronomicon quickly.  Did you bring the Necronomicon?
Ash:    Yeah.  It's... it's just that...
Wisman: Just what?
Ash:    Nothin'.  Here.  Now send me back, like in the deal.
Wisman: When you removed the Necronomicon from the cradle, did you speak 
        the words?
Ash:    Yeah... basically.
Wisman: Did you speak the exact words?
Ash:    Look.  Maybe I didn't say every single little tiny syllable, no.  But
        basically I said them, yeah.
Wisman: Dung eating fool!  Thou hast doomed us all!  When thou misspoke the 
        words, the Army of the Dead awoke.
Ash:    Now whoa, whoa, whoa, right there spinach chin.  You said that you 
        could clean this mess up once you got that book.  You said that 
        there was a passage in there that could get rid of this thing and 
        send me back.
Wisman: It's true the book still posses the power to send you back but to us, 
        it is useless.  The Evil has a terrible hunger for the Necronomicon 
        and it will come here to get it.
Ash:    We had a deal.  You wanted the damn book.  I got it for you.  I did 
        my part now you send me back.
Arthur: Very well, as we are men of our word we shall honour our... bargain. 
        The Wisemen shall return you to your own time.
Ash:    {surprised} Yeah?  
Man:    I thought he was the One.
Ash:    Yeah right, because... that was the deal.  So?  When do you think we 
        can start with all the thing... and the... course.  When do you think 
        we can start with all the... ceremony and the...
Wisman: Wretched excuse for a man.
Arthur: The Wisemen were fools to trust in you.
Sldier: I knew he couldn't be trusted.
Sheila: I still believe that thou wilt help us.
Ash:    Ah Shiela, don't you get it?  It's over.  I didn't have what it took. 
        So long...
Sheila: But what of the things we've shared?  What of all the sweet words 
        that you spoke in private?
Ash:    Ohwell... Oh that's just what we call pillow talk baby, that's all.
Sheila: It was more than that!  I still have faith in thee.  I still believe 
        that thou will stay and save us.  {Ash averts his eyes}  I... coward.
        {A winged Deadite takes Sheila and flies off}
Sheila: Ash!  Help me!
Ash:    Sheila!
Arthur: Hold your arms!  You'll hit the girl.
Ash:    Damn you!

        [At the cemetery]
EvlAsh: Dig damn you.  Dig faster!  I shall command every worm infested
        son of a bitch that ever died in battle.  
Sklton: Thank you sir.
EvlAsh: You there!  Handsomely now.
Sklton: Yes My Liege.
EvlAsh: We shall storm their castle and get my book.
Sklton: Welcome back to the land of the livin'.  Now pick up a shovel and
        get digging.
Sklton: Bring on the wench.
EvlAsh: {to Shiela}  Gimmesome sugar baby.  Well... now ain't you the sweet 
        little thing.
Sheila: Don't touch me you foul thing.
EvlAsh: C'mon... that's it.
Sklton: We got plans for you girly girl.

        [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle]
TwrGrd: Our scout approaches!
GldTth: Get his horse.
Arthur: Arise.
Scout:  My Lord.  An army of the dead gather in the wilderness and they 
        approach the castle.
Arthur: How far from here?
Scout:  But two days ride.
Arthur: Then these winged ones are only the first of them.
Wisman: Perhaps we should leave this place as soon as possible.
Blksmt: We could be safe in the hills.
Sldier: Yes!  Yes!  The mountains!  We must flee!
Wisman: It is written Arthur.  It has been foretold.
Blksmt: They'll take our souls.
Sldier: I'm afraid.
Blksmt: They'll swallow our souls.
Sldier: I don't want to die.
Ash:    That's it.  Go ahead and run.  Run home and cry to mama.
        Me!  I'm         through runnin'.  I say we stay here and fight it out!
Arthur: Are all men from the future loud mouth braggarts?
Ash:    Nope.  Just me baby... just me.
Arthur: How will we fight an army of the dead at our castle walls?  How will
        you fight that?  More words?  Most of our people have already fled!
        We are but sixty men.
Ash:    Then we'll get Henry the Red and his men to fight with us.  Now...
        Who's with me?{awkward pause}
Blksmt: I'll stand by ya.
Man:    You can count on my steel.
Sldier: I'll offer up my courage.
GldTth: Me sword's by his side.
Sldier: I'm with you.
ChArch: Aye, my bow to ya will sir.
Crowd:  {now cheering}  Ya!  Ya!  Hail!  Hail!
        [Outside the walls of Arthur's castle]
EvlAsh: Well my dear, say hello to the boys.
Sklton: There's a sight for sore bones.
EvShla: I may be bad... but I feel good.
EvlAsh: Who rules?
Sklton: You my lord!  To the castle!
        [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle]
        {Ash and Arthur's men prepare for Deadite's attack.  Ash makes the
         Deathcoaster, gunpowder and teaches Kung Fu}
        [Nighttime - Inside the walls of Arthur's castle]
Scout:  They're coming!  The Deadites approach!
Ash:    There's so damn many of them.  Maybe... just maybe my boys can stop
        them from gettin' the book.  Yeah, maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot.
        [Outside the walls of Arthur's castle]
        {Skeletons and Deadites march towards the castle}
        [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle]
Ash:    Battlestations!  I'd get those rocks up mister on the double!
        Ready the catapults!  By God let's give them what for!
        {the drawbridge raises}
        [Outside the walls of Arthur's castle]
Sklton: Company halt.  Sklton: Company halt.  (I'll rip his bones out.)
        {The Skeletons and Deadites have assembled}
EvlAsh: Bring forth the scout.
Sklcap: M'Lord, we are positioned on both fronts.
EvlAsh: Fine, fine, fine.  Where are they keeping my book?
Sklcap: There My Lord, beyond the wall, the parapet, that'll be the most
        likely place.
EvlAsh: Right, bring me forth into that castle.
Sklton: Forward!  Forward!  Cry havoc and unloose the Dogs of War!
        To the castle!  Death to the mortals!
        [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle]
Ash:    Arrows.
Arthur: Torch boy!
        {the wicks on the arrows are lit and the men patiently wait for Ash
        to give the command as their wicks burn shorter and shorter}
Ash:    Steady.
        {Ash waves the command to fire}
Arthur: Fire!
        [Outside the walls of Arthur's castle]
EvlAsh: Oh.  Oh.
        [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle]
Ash:    Heeeere baaaaaayby!
GldTth: Alright!  Ha Ha Ha.
Sldier: {to Arthur}  Sire, there's a second division approaching from the
        [Outside the walls of Arthur's castle]
Sklton: Ram the gates!
        [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle]
Ash:    Catapults.Arthur: Catapults south!
        [Outside the walls of Arthur's castle]
Sklton: Seek cover!  Watch out!  Make way!
EvlAsh: Oh!  Oh you miserable bags of bones.  Pick yourselves up and sally
        fo(yroh)!  Sally fo(yroh)!  Sally forth.
Sklton: C'mon you miserable wretches.  Forward!
        {Skeletons make a bridge across the moat and begin ramming to door}
        [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle]
Arthur: Buttress the door... now!
Ash:    Rocks!
        {the men begin to drop rocks on the Skeletons and Deadites}
Ash:    Ooooo that's gotta hurt!
        [Outside the walls of Arthur's castle]
EvlAsh: Oh you cretins!  Arrows.
Sklton: Fire.
Sklton: Put your backbones into it.  We've broken through, the castle is
        ours!  Kill the mortals!  Their ranks are broken!
        [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle]
        {Arthur's men do Kung Fu}
Arthur: Move back.  Man the parapet!  Protect the book.  God save us all.
        {Ash emerges from the Blacksmith's workshop driving the Deathcoaster}
Ash:    Say hello to the 21st century.  Yeah!  C'mon!  I got plenty for
        everybody.  {A Deadite climbs aboard the Deathcoaster}
        Bye bye.  (BOOM)
        {Ash sees Sheila standing in front of the Deathcoaster}
Ash:    Huh?  Sheila?
        {Ash steers the Deathcoaster out of her way and it rolls over and
Sklton: We've secured the courtyard M'Lord.
EvlAsh: Excellent.
        {Ash is attacked by Evil Sheila but pushes her into the pit}
Sklton: You're mine sweety.
Ash:    Get off of her.
        {On the parapet}
Arthur: Damn you.
Sldier: My Lord!
Arthur: Stay with the book.
TwrGrd: The Red!  The Red!  Duke Henry and his men have come!
        [Outside the walls of Arthur's castle]
        {Henry and his men are seen coming over the hills and rushing
        towards the castle}
Henry:  Blows, blood and death!
Sldier: It's Henry.  Haha!
Henry:  Onward valiant cousins.  Their ranks are broke.
        [On the parapet in Arthur's castle]
EvlAsh: Ooops.  Hello.  There ya go.  {to Ash}  The book is mine.
Sklton: {crawling towards Ash}  I'll cut your gizzard out.  Hey!
        Where'd he go?  Hey!  {a weight of rocks crushes the Skeleton}
Ash:    {on the parapet to Evil Ash}  Come to papa.
EvlAsh: Get him!        {Evil Sheila jumps Ash}
Ash:    Awwh!  Awwh!  Ya crazy bitch!  Get off me!
EvShla: You found me beautiful once.
Ash:    Honey, you got real ugly.
        {Ash throws Evil Sheila off the parapet}
EvlAsh: {sees the book}  Here we are.  {Ash throws a spear which goes
        through Evil Ash's body}
        You wanna play rough eh?  Okay.
EvlAsh: Prepare to die.  
EvlAsh: You're going down.
Ash:    I'm going up.
EvlAsh: I'm coming for ya.  {kills his own man}  Whooops... excuse me.
        You're pissing me off you ugly son of a bitch.
EvlAsh: I'll spoil those good looks.  Backstabber.  Hold still.
        {Ash swings from a rope}
Ash:    Tally ho!Sldier: We can't hold the battlements!
Arthur: We will hold.  We must protect the book.
        {Evil Ash with his face burned off reappears on the parapet}
EvlAsh: I gotta bone to pick with you.  C'mon.
        {Ash is knocked off the parapet and Evil Ash lands on the catapult
        with a lighted wick next to him}
EvlAsh: At last, the book.  I posses the Necronomicon.  I've crushed your 
        pathetic army.  Now I'll have my vengeance.
        {Ash hits the book out of Evil Ash's hand and releases the catapult
        sending Evil Ash into the sky}
Ash:    Buckle-up bonehead, because you're going for a ride.
EvlAsh: Huh?  Nwooooh.  Ahhhhh!  (BOOM)
Sldier: Victory is ours!
Sklton: Retreat!  Retreat!  Let's get the hell out of here!
        {Sheila awakens}
        [Inside the courtyard of Arthur's castle]
        {Arthur and Henry's men square off but the two leaders hug and
        the crowd cheers}
Ash:    Hey Henry, you had us going.
Henry:  My Lady.
Ash:    Arthur.
Arthur: Well won my friend.
Henry:  We've won the day!  Yaaaaay!
Sldier: We're brothers then.  A new kingdom shall be born!
        [Inside the court of Arthur's castle]
Wisman: The book tells us that once you drink this liquid and recite the
        words: Clatto Verata Nicto, thout shalt awaken in thine own time.
        Remember, you must recite the words exactly.
        [Outside the walls of Arthur's castle]
        {Ash kisses Sheila goodbye and rides off}
        [Ash at work in present day S-Mart]
Ash:    I thought about staying.  They offered me the chance to lead them,
        to teach them, to... to be king.
Ted:    {unimpressed/uninterested}  Uh huh.
Ash:    But my place is here, so I swallowed the juice, said the words and
        here I am.
Ted:    Did you say the words right this time?
Ash:    Well maybe I didn't say every single tiny little syllable, no.  But
        basically I said them yeah... basically.
ClkGrl: You know that story about how you could've been king.  I... ah...
        think it's kinda cute.
Ash:    Yeah?
        {A Possessed Woman appears and starts wrecking havoc in the S-Mart}
        (BANG)  {Ash poses wielding a repeating Winchester}
Ash:    Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.
PosWom: Who the hell are you?
Ash:    Name's Ash... {reloads gun}... housewares.
        {Ash attacks the Possessed Woman}
PosWom: I'll swallow your soul.
Ash:    Come get some.
        {Ash defeats the Possessed Woman}
Ash:    (Voice Over)  Sure I could've stayed in the past.  Could've even
        been king.  But in my own way, I am king.
Ash:    Hail to the king baby.  {Ash kisses the Clerk Girl}
Movie tagline: Trapped in time.  Surrounded by Evil.  Low on gas
Approximate Running Time: 80 Minutes
Transcribed by Stephen Hugh Chan(e-mail: schanc@sfu.ca)
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